Is It Over Yet?

There are many things in my life I am not ready to end.

Seeing my friends on a regular basis.
Seeing my boyfriend on a regular basis.
SMG.
The Clay Pit.

But, frankly, I won't miss adjuncting, and I'm already ready for the semester to end.

I know, you've heard this song and dance from me before. And you can imagine as thin as my patience for teaching like this is, it is getting worse as I draw near to the end of it.

God bless my dear Brandi, whose strength and patience makes her able to handle it far better than I.

I am afraid I may kill one of my students who is arrogant, far too opinionated, too loud, and upsets more than just me. Of course, I sigh with weariness and say "let's move on." He knows it too, and he seems to think it's funny.

My other class isn't bad, they're just so quiet. It's hard to get them to speak, so I have to, then it's not as fun. I have the two extremes, and I'm so tired! So very tired!

K.Z.

Scared

Of all the changes coming, one thing scares me.

Forget the money issues, forget the classes, the work, the French...

I'm in love again. I've fallen hard. And I have to leave him behind. Today he lay in bed with me as I started to fall asleep, he kept pulling away to leave, to go back to Abliene, I kept pulling him back. I lay there drifting and he kissed me, and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I nearly cried.

K.Z.

Hungry

I picked up Hungry, Crystal Renn's autobiography on her struggle as a model with anorexia and exercise bulimia. It truly makes me cry. I see so much of myself in her story. She's almost exactly my age, and has gone through so many of the same things to get where she is.

If you don't know who she is, she is a plus size model now, she started out as a model way too thin for her body. She was Jean Paul Gautier's first plus sized model, I believe, and she really gained fame when he designed a dress just for her for the finale of one of his shows after she gained 60 or 70 pounds.

She's now 5'9", bra size 38C, 42" hips, 30" waist, dress size 12 (approx.), shoe size 10.

I am 5'7", bra size 38C or 36D, I don't know my measurements, dress size 12-14, shoe size 10-11.

She gives a girl like me so much hope for confidence in my body that I'm literally in tears.

Here is a picture of her on the runway:



After the trip to NOLA I was uplifted to have all those women, strippers, the ideal of sexuality (they really were like the ones you see on TV and in movies) surround me and tell me how adorable a beautiful I was, and fawn over my breasts and curves.

What's more is my boyfriend. He's so supportive. He doesn't give a shit if I lose weight. He just wants me to be happy and confident enough in my body to show it off to him. He tells me all the time I'll never be skinny, and I'm not supposed to be. He touches my body, my rounded stomach, my full hips, he squeezes and fondles. And when I get uncomfortable with it he stops and says, "hey, I'm just loving you."

I better stop now cause I'm crying. I just wanted to express thanks to people who love me just the way I am. It's working.

K.Z.