It's all happened way too fast.

I'm not sure why. I've had plenty of time to prepare. Months. Even as the summer wore on, I began packing fairly last minute, my friends threw a surprise going-away party (during which I cried), and I drove to Louisiana with my parents and boyfriend to move in it just didn't really sink in.

Until yesterday.

Brian stayed as long as he possibly could. After work I went back to the apartment where he was already sweaty from lugging trash out for me. I picked up, and he did the heavy lifting. He's so good about that.

I paid to have the complex take care of the cleaning. One less thing for me to do. So, once things were as picked up as they were going to get for the time being, we sat down on the bare carpet. We sat.

For over an hour we sat in silence. We laid down and rested. All in complete silence. Finally it came time for him to leave, he had stayed as long as he could. But somehow we couldn't get ourselves up just yet.

I cried. You know those tears that make your throat hurt because they're silent and can't possibly expunge all the emotion you're feeling? I tried not to sob. But they were obvious.

There was a long while of hugging, holding, rocking, and kissing. Whispering, too.

"It'll be okay."

"It's not the end. We'll see each other as soon as possible."

"I love you."

"Beautiful."

I know all these things are true. It didn't really help though.

We finally got up and gathered our things. Still in silence we went to our cars and emptied our hands. Then, outside my car, we hugged, kissed, and held for another ten minutes or so, unaware of the blistering heat of the August afternoon in Texas around us.

He gently nudged me on the lower back toward my car. I climbed in and sat there a second before I shut the door. I looked out the window at him for a long second, then he slowly walked away.

I realized it wasn't over. I was going to have to say goodbye two or three more times to people just as important. Possibly more so. I got tired just thinking about it. I know they will only be a phone call away if I need them. If I have a breakdown (which I will) they'll talk me through like they always have. But it's not the same. I can't just pick up and drive to Dallas for dinner and a movie. There are so many cool new places in Louisiana, but they don't hold the same charm without my crew. I'm leaving so much behind. It makes me wonder if it's all worth it.

I cried more on the way to my grandparents'. They could tell I wasn't at my best. My grandfather automatically offered his airline miles so I could visit Brian in California. God bless him.

I think Brandi and Nick know how much I love them. We always wish we had said it more at times like this. But I hope they know I don't consider them friends; I consider them family. (Did I use the semicolon correctly?)

It feels so sudden. It shouldn't. Maybe subconsciously I avoided the impact until the last possible moment.

Brandi, you're not the kind of friend one loses or replaces. You can't replace a sister. Jean-Claude and his blanket have a permanent place in my living room. NO ONE messes with them. They're saving your seat.

Nick, I always wanted a brother. Now I have a brother/honorary sister. Thanks for letting me be a perv.

Amanda, your like the best girlfriend out of a movie. There for the shopping, girltalk, and those important sidekick moments when the heroine needs a shoulder or a kick in the ass. Save some up, and we'll go nuts the next time.

My mother said there are friends who can be separate for many years, then come together like not a day has passed.

This is the one time I want her to be right.